I lay here frustrated alone in bed at night. Going over things in my head, analysing my mental health. Frustrated, upset, depressed and giving up. Tired. Done with years of the same patterns.
It’s so much to deal with. I hate how i’ve been through so much shit, and i have noone to talk to about it who wants to know, who has enough empathy to feel and understand what its like to be me.
I feel so alone. I kick my legs and jolt my body to release the frustration that i feel. As i cry to myself in this room.
As i feel all these negative feelings that i have felt so many times before. And had noone to help me or understand or care.
These feelings and memories that have shaped who i am today that only i live with. That are buried deep inside me and come out through the way i react to certrain things, through the pain that i feel during times when i’m down as i am now.
The knowing that when i have that happy day or happy moment, and enjoy it so deeply, that the negativity and depression will come just as fast and twice as hard. I feel so deeply sometimes.
And when i’m not feeling deeply its because its all buried, its like my mind pauses the bad and puts it away. Like my depression is swept under a rug but it creeps its way out. One bad feeling. Something on tv that reminds me of the shit i have done and the way i have let people treat me.
And i can’t even write this, i cant even let myseld feel these negative feelings without feeling more negative feelings. How disgusted it feels to be feeling so sorry for myself once again. How i second guess the pain i have felt as though maybe i was the one to blame. Am i playing the victim? Is that something i do? Am i narcissistic? Is my perspective warped in my favour? Was it even that bad?
If i were to write all the “traumatic” things i have been through i know it would show how shit it all has been.
I can’t forget these things. People say to just move on. Move past it. Look forwards. But every day of my life i dont think about these things. They come to my mind on nights like these (not necessarily nights) where i have been feeling bad out of now where during the day, when all i can do is think, why am i feeling so down? What has triggered this?
And wether or not there is or was a trigger is what i contemplate too. And eventually after feeling so down, empty, lonely and hopeless i am alone in my head. And my thoughts unravel. And the pain i feel always brings me here.
Because i know i have mental health conditions. I am just unsure of what. Definately bpd… bipolar? Perhaps. Depression? Not consistently.. hence the bipolar…
How can i continue to live like this. Feeling this low so often… wanting to die so frequently. And more recently, realising that there is nothing anyone can do that will get rid of it.
Mental health conditions can be “managed” by the person suffering. Is what i’ve learned.
I’ve been managing it for at least 10 years now. How am I supposed to keep managing it when at times all i want to do is give up. And when at times my depression shows me that nothing is even worth living for if i have to live with this.