Thank you for making me feel important and valued

Some days I wake up and I should be fine.

But for that morning (jk I’m not a morning person I usually wake up after 12pm) I just feel like shit.

Today is one of those days.

I’m irritable, and I feel sorry for myself. Googling things is what I do to cope – one of the things I do. I google my thoughts and feelings to find answers and to find what other people say so I can relate and feel understood.

I’m sensitive and emotional. And just realised why… my period is coming. It’s always so obvious. It comes round so quick.

I’m just upset that I have spoken to 4 mental health proffesionals in my life and only one could give me an answer – not even a definitive one… but even so it helped me. To get an answer, a reason. A label. As silly as it sounds.

I’m angry that mental healthcare is so misunderstood and even proffessionals have little idea. I’m angry at how people have wronged me in the past, taken advantage of me and left me emotionally scarred. When they live their lives not even remembering or holding any importance or care to what they did. Something they did has affected the way I see myself and the way I feel about others and the way my mind works. Yet it is nothing to them. I’ve been sexually assaulted, raped, used, abused.. from age 14 approx. By selfish careless boys.

And one of the worst things is that sex and affection are two of my coping strategies in life. And by that I mean it is what i crave and what makes me feel good temporarily. Or thats what I expect to happen when sex is pursued – but that hasn’t been the outcome sometimes. When i’m taken advantage of by the people I seek affection from. Then I would blame myself, regret my actions and feel like a whore.

And it’s only gotten worse. I’m 20 now and I cheated on my boyfriend twice. I regretted it straight after and hated myself, I still hate myself. And I hate them. I was drunk on one of the occasions and two men in their 30’s took me back to there place and took advantage of the state I was in. My boyfriend was with his friend in Vegas for a week and I felt unimportant. I wanted love.

My boyfriend then is still with me and has forgiven me. He wasn’t all perfect in our relationship. I didn’t cheat in a happy relationship we were struggling- I was struggling. I started taking antidepressants during our relationship because I didn’t want my moods affecting him. He would say “you’re ruining the day” when I felt like shit. And other things like it. He took me for granted, didn’t put my first, could be very selfish and irritable with me – when all i wanted was love, and I was always there for him. Throw in my mental health issues and you’ve got an unempathetic at times, boyfriend who fails to understand and is unapologetically ignorant. He has never and would never hurt me sexually or use me. He was the first person I had sex with month and months after I got raped.

I was in a 6 month relationship before a friend of mine raped me. And that was an abusive relationship where I also got sexually assaulted and used regularly. During sex I would say I was in pain and he would just go harder. He didn’t listen to No. I struggled with Vaginismus after everything and would cry during and after masturbation.

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My current boyfriend has hurt me on occasion. Just with angry words and misunderstanding and his ignorance towards my feelings. But I since broke up with him on two occasions and now we are trying one last time. And things are much better. He is trying much harder and he seems to have matured. And i’m so thankful for it. He really cares and loves me. He has since taken me to a fancy resturaunt and we even went on a 2 day holiday at Thorpe Park, we are moving in together soon too.

I love him a lot.

So, the paragraph on my anger became a lot bigger than intended. I guess that just shows how much I feel it. I have a lot of pent up emotions even though I release my emotions regularly (I’m a crier) they are all still there. I have had councelling in the past but it made me feel worse. I would turn up to my appointment with my day mood in full swing. (What I mean by that is I don’t allow others to see that I’m unhappy. People say i’m funny and bubbly and nice. And I am. But I have my issues that are always there in the background.)

But then I have to bring up all my unresolved traumas and I leave just feeling even more sorry for myself. And it’s just not needed.

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I really go off on tangents I know, It’s a good representation of my mind really. So many things going on inside my head at once that I can’t even focus on one thing. It’s how I get overwhelmed so easily.

So anyway – my periods.

I wrote this note the other day and it relates to this one, for context;

So antidepressants are taken to increase serotonin in the brain.

Iron is responsible for the production of serotonin.

The copper coil makes your periods longer and heavier = loosing more blood = loosing iron.

If i was given a blood test the doctor would have realised that I was Aneamic sooner, instead of after… But it still doesn’t answer as to why I have felt depressed for so many years. .. i think my last blood test must have been a long time ago otherwise maybe It would have shown that i have been aneamic this whole time maybe?

Plus you cannot take iron supplements while being on antidepressants as you would end up with too much iron maybe…

Very frustrating. I came to that conclusion after googling wether I have pms/pmdd or if my problems are just a result of my diagnosed iron deficiency anemia. I thought I had figured it out but it still dosen’t add up. So I must have anaemia and pms or pmdd. I spoke to a doctor about pms and my depression, thats how antidepressants were brought up. But after being on antidepressants for approx 5 months they had no positive impact. Compared to the negatives at least.

So here I am. I tried to kill myself and ended up in a&e not long ago and that’s how a mental health proffessional told me his hypothesis.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

And it’s exactly what I had hypothesised before seeing him. So you can imagine the weight that was lifted when he agreed. I thought I had finally figured it out. For years i’ve known something was wrong. And it all made sense.

The attachment issues, the impulsivity, suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, avoidance, emotional dysregulation ect.

But he said it was only a hypothesis. Thats it.

And the next two proffessionals I saw agreed with all those symptoms. But didn’t want to use the dreaded Bpd label.

My mum is bipolar. My auntie and half brother are Schizofrenic. My other two half brothers struggle with depression, anxiety and one has diagnosed adhd. Most if my family have issues such as these, even if undiagnosed and in denial. So it makes sense.

So i’m just feeling frustrated and done really. The thing is, I started writing this at 2pm and it is now 4pm, my boyfriend upset me by doing barely anything bad (probably spoke to me in the wrong tone), but i’m feeling sensitive. Then I had a cry and he got me some food and reassured me.

So now I don’t feel nasty like I did earlier. This blog also helps. Although I usually write how I feel down, knowing that someone will read what I’ve wrote and maybe relate and feel better as a result (as I do when I feel understood) it gives me a feeling of purpose and like i’m actually being productive in a way. To know that people care enough to read my writing makes me feel more valued and important, it gives my self esteem a boost I guess? I feel like what I have to say and how I feel matters.

So thank you for following me if you are, and thank you for reading what I have to say. It really does feel nice. And it makes me feel less alone.

Less alone, alone.

 

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