I feel like my mind is my biggest enemy.
Like, i’m trapped inside my own personal hell.
It dosen’t switch off.
I’m in bed, tired, getting a headache wanting to sleep. And so i put down my phone. Close my eyes. Try so hard to relax. And my mind comes up with a new thing one thing after another. Things to do with the present, random memories from days ago like conversations i’ve had with people. And my mind just re-asseses these conversations and things that people said automatically and creates negative thoughts.
And it’s so exhausting. It’s so painful.
I’m crying because i’m so over it. It’s so fucking hard. Life is hard enough as it is, most things are against you anyway – but it feels like my mind is against me too.
Sleeping tablets make me sleep, i mean – they work. But i can’t use them for long otherwise the instructions say you can become dependant. I don’t need that.
Edit: I wrote that note at 1:57am, It is not 4.23am, my boyfriend is ill (flu) and woke up, went downstairs to get tablets, cane back up and led back in bed. I was lead with my head at the end of the bed as his snoring wasn’t helping my sleeping problems (I also ripped tissue and stuffed it into my ears) anyway, he started saying how he felt that I don’t care about him ect. I can’t be bothered to go into detail because this isn’t the post for that. But long story short we had a discussion (disagreement) about it and now i’ wide awake. He is now soundly asleep and snoring again.
I wish I could just go to sleep as easy. I’m currently sat up, cross legged under the covers writing this.
I got frustrated before deciding to add this edit. I thought: ‘I wish I could just down a bunch of these tablets and be done with it’ – because i’m so fed up.
I told him, before he went back to sleep, how i felt. And he said i can just wake him up if i need him. But I can’t do that. And I told him I don’t do that because i’m not selfish like that. And he just made stupid faces as though to say yeah right. As a joke, probably. But it’s not funny. None of this is funny.
I feel so alone when I feel these things. Because I am alone.
Every night when I feel this way theres noone awake that can help me or relate to me. Not people immediately close to me. (Meaning, friends ect, as there are thousands of strangers online who i could talk to if I wanted. But that’s not what I want. That wouldn’t make me feel less lonely in the way I feel lonely.
I don’t feel lonely in the sense that I feel that there is noone else out there who can relate. Because I know there is.
I feel lonely, lonely…
Just me battling my mind.