Another reason to cry about how much I would rather not be here.
I’m so done with life. I’m just so fed up.
I’m still round my boyfriends house. I’ve been avoiding going to uni for weeks since taking a week off ill. I haven’t cleaned my ferrets cage for weeks and they haven’t been fed or gicen water since I came here on Wednesday.
My parents refuse to feed them for me. And the reason i’m here and not there is because they won’t allow my boyfriend or bestfriend to come round my house. I tried to kill myself about a month ago and all they have to say is that i’ve been a nightmare recently.
I was on antidepressants for approx 4 months and they said i didn’t need them as I “Don’t look depressed” and that I was only taking them for attention.
So as you can tell, tensions at home are high. I don’t want to be there. But my pets are there, my ferrets, my puppy.
I’m moving out with my boyfriend on the 28th of December. It’s going to be a struggle untill then… I say that but I doubt moving in with him will change things for me anyway. By the end of the 6 months I don’t think we’ll want to extend the contract. I think I will still rather be dead. It’s how i’ve felt for years now.
Living is hard enough as it is. Mental illnesses are an exhausting addition.
My boyfriend has been ill for weeks now, flu. I got it too hence why I was off sick for a week. He can’t drive me home. He’s too ill he says.
He keeps saying “It’s only a day” but it’s not only a day. They haven’t been fed since fuckimg wednesday and he knows that because i’ve been witg him.
He dosen’t want me to leave. I’ll have to take an hour and a half bus to get home from here. He’s practically begging me to stay. But I have obligations ffs. I lived unofficially with him in his mum’s house for a year, putting seeing him first as he works shift work. Even when he was on nights I would sleep here waiting for him to return in the morning and sleeping with him during the day too. Not his fault. Mine. And I hate myself for it.
I left my rats at home at the time to see him at his. My parents gave them back to the breeder I got them from in the end. Even though I would come home when Tom could give me a lift home to look after them. I think I had them for just under a year before they took them away.
I loved them so much.
I hate that I do this.
It’s a 25-40 minute drive to mine depending on the time of day. He has asked if I can come back to his after i’m finished. But I don’t even have a job? I have a student loan I can’t even afford to be getting bus tickets, I took a £23 uber here wednesday night that he agreed and did pay £10 towards.
Why would I want to stay here just to have him sleep because he’s ill…
Everything just feels so hard. Nothing goes smoothly.
I can’t even fully describe how I feel right now.
It’s just a shitty feeling. I just feel like a helpless, useless shit person. I feel like shit.